gypsy love

Blood.

2012-02-14T05:13:00.000+01:00

Paris is Burning

2012-02-14T05:10:00.001+01:00

this is my friend, todd.

2012-02-13T05:34:00.004+01:00

These are a few pictures of Toddmyfavorite.

One at our friend, Julia's, wedding.

One where he was with Riley in SLC running around being a kid.

And one with our little niece, Frankie. She is also called Franks and Beans or Frankenstein.

These are just because he is so cute.

Like Magellan

2012-02-11T22:50:00.003+01:00

Todd and I went to the library to study for tests and catch up on research...but what was much more fun was deciding where we were going to go to school and move to next! (I admit it's a little silly to not study for exams that you will need to do well on in order to get into said schools...but whatever)
I found a great list of schools across the United States that have PhD programs in Art History (because other than Todd and sunshine it is the best thing in life) while Todd made a list of all of his potential schools with Physician Assistant programs. We compiled our lists (consisting basically of the west and east coasts) and highlighted the ones that had both programs!
I could probably be happy anywhere. The Bay Area and San Fran sound good. I could do L.A. probably. Seattle, Portland...Rhode Island, there are a million in NYC. I decided if we went to Idaho (not ideal for living), my family in Wyoming and Todd's in Oregon, we would be right in the middle and traveling to visit would be pretty easy.
I am just so excited. Right now we're thinking about maybe possibly wanting to try for a wee one after I graduate with my Master's in April 2013, moving to a new city where Todd can start his PA program and I can move us in, decorate our little home, nest and relax, take a year or so off from school and if I want (/it will probably be necessary for me) to work I can try teaching Art History at some college until the little one is born.
I can go for walks exploring the city, paint the walls, paint furniture I find for free on craig's list, embroider little onsies, learn to crochet little booties, for once in my life I could actually prepare meals (and maybe be proud of them), our friends and family could come visit. We can find our favorite restaurants and walk around the alive city at night. I just love talking about the future with Todd and all of the exciting things we're going to do. We're going to make fun of how dumb/silly babies are, and teach them how to speak. We're going to explore together and it's going to be oh so fun.

say it to my FACE b*tches!

2012-02-10T06:10:00.006+01:00

i get anxiety when confrontation is happening anywhere around me. sometimes our neighbors scream at each other and my heart races. sometimes i can tell todd is about to yell at strangers (when he gets road rage) and i panic and tell him to stop. today i posted how sad i was about the Dave Ackerman - What BYU Students Know About Black History Month or whatever it's called (it is really disappointing because he made it, because of the answers shown, and because now everyone will hate BYU/mormons more than they already do). aaaaanyways, i posted that on my facebook and one acquaintance/fb friend wrote how "it makes sense since the mormon church has considered black people equals for 34 years" and then one of my mom's friends/fb friend said something about "joseph smith helped black people...blah blah." the acquaintance and my mom's friend don't know each other. that little start of a fight/confrontation on my fb page gave me anxiety.
tonight heidi and i taught a 201 review session where the projector didn't work for the first 20 minutes and some 8 students sat on the floor because there were not enough desks. i received several emails (some to the professor and some to the TAs) only minutes and hours from this review session complaining about the room size that they couldn't see, about the images that didn't work until part way through, and how the review session was counter productive.
counter productive? really? i taught you absolutely nothing about what was going to be on your test? nothing about what to look for? i didn't give you all the answers on a silver platter, only without images? look it up on your own computer! look at them in the text book! why is it my fault the projector won't work? why didn't you sit at the front of the classroom so you could see?
i will book a larger room next time. i already came 30 minutes prior to make sure the computer worked and the projector was set up and it still took longer than that. i'm sorry.
i get defensive when i feel attacked. also it really bothers me that people say things via email, facebook, every other technology that they would never say to your face. why can't we all just be conscientious about everyone else's feelings?
the mean comments people write on youtube videos would make me cry/die and never show myself again if people wrote those things about me.
long enough post. needless to say i deleted my fb for now and i know only my friends read my blog and care about my feelings. unlike ungrateful ARTHC201 students.

waking up

2012-02-04T21:01:00.003+01:00

This morning I woke up and was trying to quietly get out of bed so I didn't wake Todd. I was searching the bed and beside the bed for my cell phone and he stirred and asked what i was looking for. I said, "my phone," and Todd said in a sad and worried voice, "it ran away...it ran away to go to art school in New York. Where is he going to live? It's expensive to live in New York..."

nightmare

2012-02-02T15:23:00.002+01:00

I had a dream that I went through my pregnancy, like I remember conceiving and then I was about 6 or 7 months along, and in my dream I actually felt how it would feel to sit down and not be able to lean forward because you have a baby/basketball on your lap. When I was only a couple months away from giving birth I realized that I had been taking birth control the entire pregnancy and we were going to have a still born. I couldn't stop crying.

bodyimage

2012-01-24T21:26:00.001+01:00

me complaining about my body.

todd saying that me complaining about my body is like the iron chef thinking he's a crappy cook.

Todd (mostly sleeping and talking)

2012-01-15T14:19:00.003+01:00

This is Todd after he's been asleep for a few hours when he stirs and wakes just a little.

Hillary nudges Todd a little because he is basically pushing her off the bed.

Todd: Then I'll move for a half dollar.

H: A half dollar?

T: Fifty cents. Fifty. 50 Cent is a rap artist.
(a few seconds later he sits up) What am I going to do with these orange peels? What am I sleeping on?!?!? It's HOT!

H: Todd, sweetie, lay down.

T: (Todd cradles Hillary's head and looks at her sincerely) Hill, would you still love me even if I wasn't a millionaire?

H: ...

T: I knew it! You're just in it for my millions!
...My millions of sexy!!!!

Christmas Vacation

2011-12-28T05:43:00.002+01:00

some things that i loved:

-sledding/tubing
-the new sherlock holmes with the whole family
-chase coming home
-how much todd is a part of my family
-Christmas Eve dinner (pad thai, coconut soup, rice, egg rolls)
-sleigh ride
-singing Christmas songs with piano and guitar and a whole bunch of friends

also i loved my bffs telling me they loved the gifts i made them. that made me so happy.

tord.

2011-12-11T09:18:00.002+01:00

the best type of husband is the kind that will stay up with you all night editing your really long paper.

i love andy dwyer

2011-12-10T07:59:00.003+01:00

being a TA (part II)

2011-12-03T22:20:00.003+01:00

grading ARTHC 201 essays is infuriating.

"the architecture represents more than a building made out of marbles" (ahahahahahahahahhahaha)
"purples and gold's were used"
"the foreground was rare to none centering on the figures"
"the room was dedicated towards artwork was never painted directly on the walls"
"there are a sizable door that open and then straight from the doors is the apse"
"Styles, use of spaces are all changed and modified to the most recent fashions to the most useful during the time."
"...artistic styles from two locations at a one time."

SHHHHHH

2011-11-29T07:45:00.002+01:00

omg the neighbors had a baby last week and they WILL NOT STOP talking to it. NONSTOP. NOT STOPPING. anyways, it's great, but it's really distracting when i'm trying to write my 20 page paper.

oooer.

2011-11-27T08:11:00.001+01:00

is there really anything sexier than a foxy husband who will clean the house really quickly as soon as you ask him to?

the answer is No.

niece beauties

2011-11-26T06:11:00.001+01:00

stella blue, frankie, and baby alta.

stella is too gorgeous. i can't stand it.

duplex

2011-11-19T20:26:00.002+01:00

i can't tell if my neighbors had their baby and it's making noises or if my neighbors are having sex in their kitchen...

i really hope they're not having sex.

being a TA

2011-11-17T06:49:00.006+01:00

the number of written tests i've graded today with really poor spelling frightens me.

and makes me wonder how they graduated from high school.

...and how they got into college.
autocorrect and spellcheck aren't going to save you, you morons.

"suizide" (i hate you.)
"scull" (more than one student spells it this way)
"testimnt"
"Bysatene" (instead of Byzantine)
"Bysanteen"
"ivery"
"juxtupostition"
"corination"
"Carolynin" (instead of Carolingian)
"idol" instead of "idle"
"atention"
"verticaly"
"galery"
"leters"
"ribon"
"figuars" (x2)
"aparent"
"beirds" (WTF beards??!?!?!?!?!?!?!? beirds is not easier than beards)
"bounsing"
"reprisenting"
"bowel" (instead of bowl!)
"comiting"
"crusifiction"
"moseich"
"serface"
"chiping"
"techneque"
"wich"
"wiggal"
"agains" (meant against)
"circomescribable"
"devel" (who doesn't know how to spell devil?)
"miricles"
randow (the m is upside down, it's ok)
sensasion
acoplated (I think they meant accompanied)
"coopersmiths" (i don't even know what they are talking about)

my social/love life

2011-11-11T17:00:00.002+01:00

things i thought as a child

2011-11-05T17:29:00.003+01:00

i would watch Full House and Step by Step every week day after school when i lived in Victoria, BC. why was there always snow in the thanksgiving episodes??? why would it be thanksgiving and they would always be talking about "the holidays" and Christmas? they were getting way ahead of themselves because thanksgiving is on the second monday in october! sheesh.

another thing i would wonder was when my mom would say "up and at 'em!" i would wonder what Adam had to do with me getting up. and was Eve coming too?

mtnmn

2011-10-28T06:12:00.001+02:00

Mouthwings :
The way one feels could be likened to an opening or a slamming or a grieving heart.
All of them I’ve seen inside my mouth have grown and flown south.
One day I’ll be my own wet belly and I will grow a baby.
Oh, he will move so swiftly to hold me completely.
All of them I’ve pushed into the air. All of them will be with me when we are safe in the salty caves.

shellsballs and the smushiest baby

2011-10-26T08:36:00.000+02:00

babysitting/laying/looking/talking/askinglifequestions

hate and love

2011-10-25T23:48:00.003+02:00

construction on center street, university avenue, university parkway, state street, freedom boulevard, and I-15. provo/orem how do you want anyone to get anywhere?????

there is a boy playing Claire de Lune in the wilk. i love you.

toddloveofmylifeface

2011-10-23T06:20:00.002+02:00

clearly at our niece's birthday party we take pictures of ourselves.

2011-10-18T18:04:00.000+02:00

mountain man

2011-10-13T06:01:00.000+02:00

jmaonunsae

2011-10-08T19:29:00.001+02:00

janna as a mouse

sad mouse

fantasia

2011-10-06T02:53:00.002+02:00

is racist and sexist. it was the 1940s...but still. i forgot.

heavy lidded eyes. reaching their arms above their heads to make their bodies look like all female nudes sprawled out for the male viewers/voyeurs. nothing but cheap sex to sell. tiny, feminine beauties without brains. just makeup.

no wonder girls have a complex.

what a douche bag.

2011-10-05T07:10:00.002+02:00

i was running at the gym and this was on the tv in front of me. sick.

2011-10-04T00:26:00.001+02:00

stop that now

2011-09-30T18:48:00.003+02:00

there is a girl in the library who will NOT stop laughing.

well more like giggling. she sounds the same as the girl in Sabrina who is in the tennis court with David (the original Sabrina).

kids.

2011-09-24T05:42:00.002+02:00

rococorococorococo

2011-09-23T21:31:00.003+02:00

i love rococo architecture.
and coppola's marie antoinette.
i wonder why...NOT!

venus

2011-09-03T07:29:00.002+02:00

I took arthc 201 and didn't enjoy it very much. i love 1500 to present. love love love. love renaissance naturalism and scientific aspects, love dramatic baroque sculpture, LOVE rococo architecture, love romanticism, love some abstract expressionism, love photography. whatever. ok? i love.

201 i didn't love so much with Catherine or whoever taught it. now i'm TAing for 201 and i never realized how much i am obsessed with the Venus of Willendorf. she's beautiful. she is incredibly voluptuous and i can't even describe how much i love her enormous breasts, the way her stomach bulges over her legs.

i can't describe it. not adequately. i just love how emphasized her womanly body/parts are. she gorgeous. she is.

(excuse the cheesy light in the background, i just love the way the sculpture looks the best in this image)

daddy

2011-08-06T17:38:00.004+02:00

all growing up, as early as i can remember, every saturday morning my dad would wake me up at 7 am by blasting Roxette's Joyride on the stereo. he'd pick me up and dance around the living room with me. usually i'd be wearing one of his oversize harley tshirts since i slept in them.
this morning he called me at 8 and woke me up. this was what i heard so so loud.

vacation/babies/love

2011-08-05T02:45:00.010+02:00

todd and i went to his "family reunion" which was really just his immediate family getting together since for the past few weddings not everyone has been able to come.

so Sunday mornin todd and i flew out of SLC to Portland where his sister, Lisa, picked us up with her husband Nick. Wendi was in the car too, she's just spent the last couple of years in Afghanistan doing some sort of programming. she brought back hats and soaps and jewelry for everyone.

so we drove to Florence, Oregon, where our campsite was, and was also where Todd has gone to Father and Son campouts as a scout with his dad all growing up so it was full of nostalgia for him. we set up our tent. gave hugs to everyone. i was able to get to know several of the siblings that have been too far to visit and who i've only said a couple of words to during the whirlwind that was our wedding.

we played softball, frisbee, we cooked, made s'mores, caught up and learned a lot about each other, went to the cold cold oregon coast, we saw so many birds, so many sand dollars, and i fell in love with so many babies.

jude is my blonde 4 year old nephew. he's lively and fun and loves to run and play. every time he dug in the sand he'd cry, "GOLD I TELL YA!" hahaha and it never got old.

his older brother sage kept taking sticks and pretending they were like conducting sticks he'd stand up on the picnic bench and conduct and ask for everyone's attention and he'd usually make some silly announcement in a british or russian accent. their baby brother, ezra, smiles all the time and even though i'd never met him before he let me carry him around and he'd just look around and sing to himself.

loren is the most beautiful little angel boy. he's 1.5 and every time i kissed or tickled his cheek he'd giggle and smile at me. he would sit in his mom's lap and look up at the sky and say, "stars." he also liked to help with the dishes.

no one makes motherhood look so magical like brittney carman (todd's brother andy's wife). their 3 girls are the most enchanting, gorgeous, so fun and so intelligent. i really loved listening to them and playing with them and holding the newborn until she fell asleep and talking to her. she hears you and sees you and when you talk she talks. it's incredible.

i cried a little when i had to say goodbye to them. no one saw, thankfully. when stella and i were playing on this enormous sand dune she said, "grown-ups, except for you, are so boring." and later she told me i was her favorite aunt. well that works since she is my favorite niece.

frankie was wonderful. she'd snuggle with me and blow bubbles with me and tell me jokes and laugh so hard at them. she told me the funniest stories, mostly because she was telling me 4 or 5 stories at once and non of them had a beginning or end and they were mixed and mashed together. she's precious.

i've never been called Auntie Hillary in my life before and i got it all week. i love those children. even when they screamed or cried. i love them. and i've never loved children like that before.

i'm so excited to start a family. i pray that my children are as beautiful as stella and frankie and alta.

mes chers,

2011-07-06T03:01:00.000+02:00

Je suis assez fatigué de travailler aujourd'hui. Je m'ennuie de mon meilleur ami. amis.
Je voudrais ne jamais avoir remords de l'acheteur ... parce que j'ai acheté des choses.
Je porte le rouge à lèvres rouge et mes cheveux sont tirés en arrière avec un clip de perles et je me sens très chic. trop chic? Mais non!
J'aime la taille de mes yeux, des seins, des dents, des taches de rousseur, mes pieds et mes cicatrices.
Je veux vivre à Paris avec mon beau mari et nous ne fument pas aussi élégant qu'il y paraît.
un jour je blogue depuis Paris. un jour.

just some sunday reflection

2011-06-13T02:16:00.003+02:00

so todd and i are best friends. and when the teacher asks about people's talents and the couple in front of us during sunday school says, "well, we're ballroom dancers so..." then todd and i look at each other and roll our eyes. sorry. that's not a real major, nor a real career. BYU has cultivated some of the strangest nerds the world will ever encounter. this group of prudey virgins who walk with their noses up thinking they're smarter and much more cultured than the rest of BYU, even though their pants are too short and show their ankles.
then their is the trend where indie has become the new abercrombie, and while abercrombie douche bags still exist, the popular kids are the "indie misfits" who paint and do film, and while some of them are still genuinely misfits and have "always liked vintage/thrift clothes" a great many of them would have been american eagle kids with collars popped thinking photography is boring. fakers who would do anything to fit in and DO do everything that the cool kids are doing. well where i used to have a solid group of friends who weren't "popular" but who i thought were amazing, now i feel uncomfortable with every type of person. even those whom with i thought i shared an affinity.
in utah (more specifically provo, more specifically byu), more than anywhere else i have seen, these specific groups exist.
the beginning of college was filled with all of these people i didn't know and i loved moving from small town wy to a (albeit small) city where i didn't know everyone. now that i've been here for 6 years i do know people. and there are "popular kids."
and i'm tired of feeling like if i wear my glasses that i love outside people will call me a poser instead of a girl who wears glasses. so i don't wear them much.

i love my best friends.
i am comfortable with you.

i'll never be a "cool kid" because i feel like you guys are all sorts of fake.

2011-05-31T19:49:00.001+02:00

we were lying in bed talking before sleeping and todd said, "Your face reminds me of our history. It reminds me of all the years of happiness and your smile reminds me of all the other times you've smiled. We make each other happy. It's perfect."

nomnoms

2011-05-22T04:05:00.002+02:00

my neighbor gus is hilarious and a little bit nuts. he is a non-stop joke machine.
also, he happens to be the handiest man around town and is currently tilling my soil so i can plant my vegetable garden. and probably some flowers too.

i have a feeling that this summer will be so nice.

please oh please oh please oh please

2011-05-19T03:18:00.004+02:00

i want a puppy. how do i convince boyfriend todd to let me?

he hates hair. he hates smelly. he hates poop.

he says if we ever have one it will be an outside dog...but i'm 97% sure i'll let it sleep with me. and it can only go outside if it's lovely out and i'm going too.

i could has this one?

too many caramels

2011-05-09T23:08:00.002+02:00

i love our little home. i like being here. i'm proud of myself for getting into grad school and maybe even more proud of me for planning on actually doing it.
i went to my parents' for the weekend and held a baby for a couple hours. as every single talk was about mothers i thought about how amazing motherhood is. how everything my mom did and didn't do was and is so important to me. i know that she would rather spend time with me than do anything else. i know that she lives to make me happy. i know that she would do absolutely anything i asked her to do.
i watched old home videos of me and my brothers. my brother spilled an entire box of croutons on the floor and instead of yelling at him or being exasperated she just sat on the floor and ate them with him. there is a part where i am 4 or so and i will not stop singing and making up crazy annoying songs and my mom laughs hysterically at me. she is seriously one of the most patient and loving people i know and she is so important to me. i can't imagine being that for anyone else, but that must be how other people feel about their mothers. i could be that person for someone. that fact (along with wanting my dad to still be alive) makes me want to be a mom.
being able to create life and have life grow inside of you has to be one of the most sacred and incredible experiences. i saw part of 16 and Pregnant. kids are so silly. especially the 16 year old kind where they think they understand fully the responsibilities that go along with sex.
anyway, i have stopped hating on pregnant/young mormon moms. i've stopped crying/freaking out at the thought of having a baby. having todd's baby. i've stopped getting annoyed and/or disgusted by girls who love being pregnant and who love/only talk about their kids.
i'm warming to the idea of dressing a tiny little toddhillary and having a constant companion to be my friend. to teach and to love.
i must be on my period. i am getting too sentimental. and eating too many chocolate caramels.

new house

2011-04-12T04:26:00.009+02:00

so we moved in. thanks ya'll for helping todd whilst i was out of town. i wasn't loving the slanted floors and crooked/falling ceilings at first, but now i think i love it here.

so our ceiling leaks. only when it rains...

free entertainment center before.

free entertainment center after.

bedroom before.

bedroom after.

bafroom.

sea things

2011-03-29T17:08:00.005+02:00

so janna has taught me to embroider. i made a little diddy for todd with my crappy stitching...anyways, i wanted to frame it (because what else would i do?) so yesterday i went in search of a frame.
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so this baby i found at my third antique store. i decided that i love the teacup, and mostly that the highly decorative frame would contrast too much next to my 3rd grade skills.

this is the finished product. i found this frame at the 5th antique store.

classy lady

2011-03-28T18:17:00.001+02:00

i bet if i were on the oc i would look super hot. not anorexic scrawny, but still really pretty with the lighting and the makeup.

favorite

2011-03-27T08:43:00.002+02:00

i was doing my makeup in janna's full length mirror and noticed all of these tiny hairs. i said, "are these your eyebrow hairs?" and she said, "i put them there."

GOALS

2011-03-21T04:41:00.001+01:00

i am going to make my own clothes.

aaaahhhhhhhhh

2011-02-18T03:26:00.003+01:00

todd got a job today at a rehab/nursing center in provo. he is a CNA and i am his WIFE. and it's lovely. it's crazy hours...so...we'll have to work that into his school sched.

i applied to grad school. i want to get my masters. i don't want to do 18yrs of research thx. it's ok. i has almost a year to be a lazy a** bum. which I AM! todd comes home and is all "what'd you do today?" and i can say "nothing" or "got off work and watched 5 hours of the OC which makes me depressed (b/c i'm doing nothing and it's emotionally taxing...sheesh)."

so tonight i haven't let myself go upstairs where my warm warm bed and the OC lay...so i can make myself clean. i've been listening to musics whilst cleaning the downstairs. but now it's colder and the upstairs is where laundry is...but last time i tried to do laundry...i layed in bed and watched gossip girl. i am a sellout. and those shows make me feel like i should do drugs and sleep around. and be super self-destructive. then todd comes home and think i'm a CRAZY. but at least i've found the problem. so i'm downing my dosage. and being productive. i went to the gym 3 times this week and it's only thursday. lalala.

2010-12-28T01:18:00.004+01:00

it was real

2010-12-15T01:53:00.002+01:00

so i was at the hospital and my nana handed me this baby. i took her. she was mine. she was amazing beautiful. todd and i took her home, we went to school like normal, took our finals like normal, then after 2-3 weeks i asked todd where adison (our baby girl) was. he said at the alcorns (this couple in our ward) and that julie alcorn had been caring for her. i started bawling. i had not fed her once, i had never changed her diaper, i didn't even remember i had a daughter for weeks. what kind of an awful mother was i? the worst kind. i couldn't stop crying.
i went to get the child from the alcorn's place and brought her home. i slowly started to realize perhaps why i had been so neglectful...i didn't remember being pregnant. i didn't remember giving birth. i had the suspicion that my nana had taken someone's child, perhaps in her dementia. i asked todd if he remembered me being pregnant or giving birth and he didn't. we went to the hospital with my parents who were distraught after having a granddaughter for a month. my professor, james, was at the front desk volunteering and i could see his son and daughter coloring in a room nearby while their father volunteered. we let him know what we thought had happened and then everyone around us started talking about it and after a while an entire mob of people came into the hospital led by an enraged father, the father of the baby we had been "caring" for. he was violent and so scary. so was the mob surrounding him. i don't remember who had adison, but i ran down a hallway and some stairs for fear that he would kill me for taking his child. i knew, somehow, that james was going to protect me. i couldn't see any of my family, so i took off and felt in my gut that something was going to happen to james' son. so a man in scrubs threw me some keys and i told james' son to run with me. he hid in a room with shelves and i made sure the door was locked. i ran further down the hall and hid.
i heard so much yelling and gun shots. after it quieted i came out and i just knew that james' son had been shot and killed. i couldn't find james. everyone was checking out of the hospital on a computer after the madness had ended. all the women around me waiting in line to check out were talking about what happened that day. one pointed to me and said that it was all my fault and i had the child. i started yelling for them to stop talking. they had no idea what had happened or what it felt like to feel this guilty. guilty for neglecting what i thought was my own child. guilty for creating a nightmare for the parents of the baby. guilty for getting james' son killed. the ladies quieted and i told them about james. did they even know his son had gotten shot that day? james came out of a side room and looked somber. he said he was still there. i began to cry again. i couldn't catch me breath, really. he hugged me. i cried that hardest i've ever cried. he said it was ok, and that he was ok. i told him it wasn't. i was so sorry.
i kept crying so hard and was so out of breath i woke up.
i kept crying. it's the worst i have ever felt in my entire life i think. and in my head it went on for a month.

bjorkheirloom

2010-12-14T02:06:00.002+01:00

i'm in the nosh (i pronounce it "gnawsh"...because you can eat...and no shh for the part where you can't eat) zone and it's my new fave because i can talk on the phone when i need to and also i get to sit in a lounge chair and put my feet up on a new round marble table top. it's relaxing. i have a people-watching problem, however, but luckily i don't have a final tomorrow. wednesday and thursday i sure do.

i want to bake Christmas cookies and decorate them with all of my favorite people. i feel like emma, shelly and todd would maybe enjoy it.

the girl at the table behind me is flirt-studying with the boy across from her. she said this really intelligent thing that went like this:
"I'm not going to feed it to you on a silver platter!"
dearest girl, it's serve/give it to you on a silver platter, or fed with a silver spoon. sheesh. in your study situation, i would have said, "I'm not going to spoon-feed you this information."

...i blog more when i make fun of/don't like people...oops?

...

2010-12-11T23:48:00.004+01:00

so couple sitting at my table on the 5th floor hbll.
boy talks about the rad party he and his buddies threw last night. it was awesome. they had hot cocoa and cupcakes. oh and mistletoe. he got his "kiss on." (he really said that).
she says that she wishes she had been there. she would kiss him now if there was mistletoe...(in my head i'm like "don't kiss right here. don't kiss right now.")
he says he'll make mistletoe...out of love...

BYU NOOBS! I'M OUT FOR AT LEAST 9 MONTHS SUCKAS!

don't you worry

2010-12-02T19:59:00.002+01:00

todd and i put up the tree last night (well todd did while i cleaned the house). the house is messy still...but it's feeling Christmasier. todd is really sick. i feel like i'm getting there with a pounding headache, no sleep, and a sore throat. it'd be good if i threw up right before i had to present my thesis tomorrow. then everyone would feel sorry for me AND i wouldn't have to present...hopefully. anyways, my parents are coming tonight. i'm so happy to have them. i watched the VS fashion show. it was great...except katy perry's "firework" song makes me want to die. and she's stupid. i am going to hide in an LRC room for 2 hours and read my thesis to my pretend stuffed animal audience and see if that calms my nerves.

Love you guys.

Hillbob

Step Into Christmas

2010-11-30T17:05:00.000+01:00

yeeeeeaaaaauuuuhhhh.

things that are now

2010-11-23T18:59:00.006+01:00

i watched how to steal a million last night. i would do anything for audrey hepburn. the way she talks, her perfect face, and her marvelous clothes make me fall in love with her in every movie. it's getting ridiculous. todd told me that the movie was boring, but when he had to go to the b room he made me pause it...sooo...he liked it. just like when he makes fun of me for watching antm, but when he comes home and i'm watching it i can get him to finish the season with me, care about the girls, and get mad at me if i watch it without him. he's my best.

this is lovely and she is lovely.

this is crazy. and she looks so good.

best for last. she's so fine.

aaanyyways, it's nice to lay in bed and have movie dates with my bf FINALLY. this semester has been the busiest of my entire life. i have never taken more than 3 art history classes at once because 4 is just too difficult...but this semester it's working out. and thanksgiving break is a time for movie dates, a research paper, and family. stupid Early Christian/Byzantine Art is my least favorite class/subject/crap to research. i DON'T CARE about any of it. the only thing i've ever like in byzantine is Hagia Sophia and it's because of the Turks who turned it into a Mosque and the letters (arabic? don't make fun of me because i don't know) just add something for me. i wanted to take Islamic art...but no one teaches it...neat. it's the prettiest architecture. i'm boring you.

what i wanted to say was that i asked jlf if we could be friends again since he is happy and in love. he said, "i am glad to see you reach out first. i probably said something foolish like 'maybe when i get back from japan' didn't i? i do apologize. i was certainly not the person you once knew the last time we were in contact.
i have felt that it would be reasonable since j&m's wedding reception. however, i am moving to south korea in 3 weeks. i will be gone for one year. even at our closest we were often no more than pen pals, and i would be amenable to being such anon."

so i interpret this to mean: you're nice, i'm sorry for saying this one thing, i'm not the person you knew and i'm leaving so there's no point in trying.

i thought that we were really good friends for 4 years before we started dating for 1.5, you're best friends with my best friends, and were are huge part of my life. being friends doesn't seem to mean the same thing to you as it does to me.
i guess hanging on is just silly. whatever. i wish i would STOP dreaming about him.

unreasonable

2010-11-15T20:31:00.002+01:00

you know those times when you feel like a total hypocrite. like you tell people they should/shouldn't feel some way...but then you can't help it...when your turn comes.

i have no right to feel weird.

i told him that he had no right. so...what's my problem?

blech. i hate myself.

dreams down the drain

2010-10-31T04:59:00.002+01:00

so i am obsessed with janelle monae. she's hot (and todd keeps telling me i'm in love with girl rock stars and no one else). she channels old, black dead guys when she performs. she actually WAS james brown, jimi hendrix, and michael jackson (kind of black, i guess). she wears equestrian black and white all the time. she's so rad and i danced SOOOOOOO much at her show. she's gorgeous and makes me dance so duh i love.

i am in the library...instead of at emma's (where we would not be with her roommates in costume, but rather in her room talking bout things.) i am sad.

i am trying to finish my final draft thesis and i'm too tired to concentrate and i'm mad at todd (maybe translated i'm moody and get irritated when he doesn't do what i want (translated i am a baby girl)). don't tell anyone.

i'm pretty sure watching my (old) friends have babies makes me want their life and the excitement of a brown-eyed baby todd, but then i'd probably envy the lives of my free and single friends, or those who were grad schooling, or those finding the career they truly love.

why do i work at victoria's secret? i have a bachelors (nearly) and we're so poor.

love to my bbs

2010-10-12T19:13:00.005+02:00

updates. ok.

*i switched my pill over a week ago and that equaled a week of sobbing and telling todd he was mean. a pill smaller than half of my pinkie nail makes me a self-pitying/loathing wreck.

*i love everyone i work with these days. i love my job and feeling successful when i'm there.

*i still very much want a tattoo. a star, or several stars probably. emma, we should talk about this.

*i started to apply to graduate school and really wanted janna to be there to help me. to read my letter of intent, to help me study for the gre, blah blah blah. she's my favorite mom. i mean friend.

*i just took my first midterm of my last undergraduate semester. it went...i don't know. it was philosophers and theories and methodologies, not art works and artists so...we'll see how i analyzed that crap.

*megan lives at our house. i don't really want her to go. i can only imagine what i'm going to be like as a mom. NO ONE CAN LEAVE ME!!!!!!!! jk. but really, i'll probably be psycho.

*freud is an enormous douche. ENORMOUS. "women see themselves as castrated, and thus have penis envy." ...i know that i have never felt castrated and that i have always been grossed out by penises (until very very very recently). and maybe YOU (freud) want to bang your mom, but normal people don't. remember how in what about bob the doctor has a bust of freud in his office, like he's some inspirational god?!?!?!?!??! i know frued was incredible influential, but please tell me no one is practicing his methods. i'm sure it was a big joke for the movie, or else that's all anyone knows about psychology is freud's psychoanalysis.

*my mom is taking me to italy this spring. i am overwhelmed and elated at the prospect of planning our itinerary.

*todd pinkie promised me that we would go live abroad for at least 2 years. he's my best boyfriend.

*i have another midterm to start studying for...i study best 24 hours in advance. or 3 hours. or somewhere in between. i suck as a person.

*i'mma be antione dodson for holloween. i know how he talks. i can't get that song outta my head. "you can run and tell that run and tell that homeboy, homeboy, home home homeboy!"

taylor and jimmy

2010-07-06T05:30:00.004+02:00

so you know those people? those people who like to talk about politics A LOT? who like to talk about words and discuss their meaning A LOT? i understand discussion for thought and finding others' thoughts, but these were the kind of boys who wanted to argue for the whole night. i begged them to change the subject. it's emotionally draining for me when they question all of my beliefs down to the very words (and their definitions). like they have been practicing and can't wait to beat the next person they come across to DEATH with their questions. it's not like they told me what they believed. they just kept questioning everything i believed.
they ate all of our fries (these strangers did) and then wore us down for an hour. finally i asked if he came up with all of his ideas on his own and he admitted that he hadn't. i said "no one who talks about politics this way ever does. i'm leaving." and then they rode off on one motor bike like a pansy-a** couple. i mean no offense to anyone but those two boys.
it's like do they do it to feel good? to intimidate? to make everyone else feel stupid? to try and shut down anything anyone else says or thinks?
yeah ride off together. you can't pretend you're better than me when you're wearing basketball shorts with a dress shirt and/or have a soul patch. get out of my life.

4th of july

2010-07-04T06:35:00.002+02:00

nothing like watching heroes while hearing the fireworks while todd's at work.

satisfaction

2010-06-17T19:09:00.002+02:00

me: i hate alex. he's a pretentious douche.
emma: why do you hate him so much?
me: he never remembers me! i've met him a million times and he still introduces himself every time. he never smiles and he's SOOOooooo rude. like at Meg's BFA when he shoved me out of my seat and looked at me and was like "who are you?" (3rd or 4th time we'd met)

...15 mins later, me standing alone, alex walks up, holds his hand out
alex: hey, i'm alex.
(i look unimpressed and don't shake his hand)
me: i know. i've met you like seven times.
alex: when?!?!?!
me: halloween, meg's birthday, meg's bfa, etc...
alex: ...i feel like a dick.
me: you should.

european dreams...sunburnt

2010-06-08T04:16:00.002+02:00

-as of late i get mad when i have to get hours in for my internship. researching is just like school/papers X 1 million.
-my car broke down. poor little Geronimo. and poor little wallet...
-todd makes me laugh so much and is actually an infant when we are in water.
-we play at seven peaks every day. we are best friends. thank goodness i like him because megan's gone and janna's gone and i cry when i look at pictures of them
-kat's been in town the past few weeks and we did a photo shoot with kate lines (who did our wedding as well as jonathan and satyra's wedding) and the pictures look fab
http://katelinesphotographyblog.blogspot.com/2010/06/kat-badgett.html
-i've been feeling so weird. so happy in the sun and riding bikes to the park and playing around with my boyfriend, but sometimes i get really weird feelings like we don't talk or know each other (which is so strange because we're together and talking all the bleeping time). we're best friends. not distant, but sometimes i get these freakout feelings like we're strangers. i hate myself.

sheeler strand cunningham stieglitz weston adams coburn weegee levitt

2010-04-21T23:46:00.004+02:00

new in my life: josh is engaged to a black woman
i finished my finals
i'm plotting to sabotage my renaissance/baroque teacher
i'm not so so scared of getting pregnant. i'm pretty sure i'd be obsessed with my own baby rather than want to ship it off to someone who wants it...
meg and chris gallagher make me miss janna too much
riley got into 3-4 colleges and decided on BYUI
i am getting 1-2 promotions at work
i love my lime green cardigan the most these days
jill also wants someone's baby

The First Year Is The Hardest

2010-03-24T07:19:00.002+01:00

I started thinking about that recently, about how people say that the first year is the hardest one, and that if you can make it through the first year, half the battle is over. I guess the rest of our life is going to be floating on clouds and skipping through the tulips, because the first seven months have been the best of my life. Hillary makes me happier than anything else in the world. Seeing that we can make it through hard times and maintain some sanity, and that we both very much appreciate the other and the small things that add flavor to our lives, I have so much hope for our future. I'm looking forward to a great life.

I need to go home to my girl now, I'm at Jonathan's, but I'm uploading some Billie Holiday. It'll be done in a few minutes. Love you all. - Todd

shake it to the right haha go round

2010-03-21T04:46:00.003+01:00

it doesn't happen that often that i struggle for words to describe my insides, but...today is one of those days where i can't stop smiling. (that doesn't happen a lot either)
neither todd nor i set an alarm so we slept until 11. when i woke up he woke up and we squeezed the crap out of each other. we opened all the blinds to let the bright bright sunshine in. sometimes we get so excited to see each other because 8 hours (of sleep) is probably the longest we go without seeing each other. we laid there for an hour or two. we wrestled. he made me laugh so hard i cried and couldn't stop laughing. i made him laugh and he told me i was funny (people don't ever tell me i'm funny). he thought i was cute with my messy hair and my sleepy face. when we lie next to each other sometimes we have staring contests but they're really love lasers that make the other one melt. it's just really comforting (because i freak out a lot about the future and how unbalanced i am) to know that we love each other more and not less. to see how we're amalgamating, more or less, into the sameish person and we know so much about one another but we still tell secrets and learn new things. i love having my own little family. my own little house. my very own boyfriend who will sing me to sleep or make me food or hug me as hard as i want.

today was perfect. the sunshine made it better.

newsense

2010-03-19T21:16:00.003+01:00

Audrey Flack came to speak at BYU yesterday. I got to have lunch with her and talk about marriage and feminist imagery in art. She was hilarious. She looks like she's 50 but she's turning 80 this year. I love her sculpture and I love her. She was the only photorealist during her time and was only female artist she knew. She was of the firsts to use an airbrush and while all the male photorealists were doing cars and motorcycles she was doing post WWII commentary, feminist commentary, and nostalgic images. It was really inspiring to hear her and she made me fall in love with my body more and now I really want to paint again.

Love you.
Hillary

our future children

2010-03-02T01:56:00.002+01:00

todd has determined that we'll call them: val pal, poo eater, critter, scout, tiny, meat face. meat. face. just the first thing that comes to his head mostly. it's what dads do.

ZORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-23T05:58:00.003+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krAhedzqiik

omg. way too cute.

what for?

2010-02-23T05:30:00.007+01:00

i'm sick. again. from all of the disgusting photographs i've found while studying for my history of photography class.

"Harman is accused by the Army of taking photographs of that pyramid and photographing and videotaping detainees who were ordered to strip and masturbate in front of other prisoners and soldiers, according to a charge sheet obtained by The Washington Post. She is also charged with photographing a corpse and then posing for a picture with it; with striking several prisoners by jumping on them as they lay in a pile"
it goes on and on. i'm sure ya'll have already been horrified when these photos were published but since i never watch television and stay in my bubble mostly, i'm just now being affected.

that one's from 2004. it's disgusting. no other word. awful people.

you can't just go on with normal life. you CAN'T. all the men standing around like there aren't dead or dying or naked prisoners laying right beside them. like it's a job and like they aren't people. i could not handle that. i don't understand why anyone can.

ultimate punch

2010-01-26T06:29:00.003+01:00

i'm listening to new musics. good ones. i'm so surrounded by people in this library and i felt that freshman pang of overwhelming aloneness. this time it's not lonely though. i just don't know anyone. i don't mind anymore though.

when's my boyfriend off work? when will someone do yoga with me?

i stayed in provo because of janna. now she's gone forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VX4D_9GMBg

shout out to all ma bitches

2010-01-13T00:23:00.002+01:00

yillian ibershmoe,
i am very proud of you for moving places. you lived in bellingham. you moved to alaska. you're very brave and i admire you for that. i have yet to move by choice somewhere. you've been brave enough to stay for extended periods of time in arizona, in wyoming, AND utah (of all places) because of the people you care about. you make any crappy state fun.

yanka gaga,
you're one of the smartest and most able people i know. it seems you always know the answer for other people who bring their problems to you and you're the mother of all our friends in the sense that you really care for them even down to the basics. you slammed the gre and i'm really proud (and hope to follow in your footsteps) that you're going to go to grad school. you can do it. i know you'll end up just where you're supposed to be even if everything seems to be shti right now. promise.

meganza,
i don't think i've ever seen you be so knowledgeable and competent as when you're dealing with things at work. i haven't seen anyone really be able to envision and see the consequences of what lay ahead. you really know what you're doing and go above and beyond what you could. you treat everyone equally and fairly and i think are very diplomatic and mature and it's a new side i don't think i've seen before. chap, i am proud to call you friend.

meghanrow,
you're always thoughtful and making my days better. the random texts from you always saying something soooo flattering or sweet make me happier, smilier and i'm always inclined to pass on those niceties to everyone i see that day. i hope you realize how you're making the world a better place with your kind and cuted personality. know that.

we forgot. we forgot. we forgot.

2010-01-06T21:27:00.000+01:00

sally man's little girl. "jessie bites" is one of my very favorite photographs. i wish i could take nice photos.

2010-01-05T22:38:00.002+01:00

kate lines is having a giveaway. she photographed my wedding and makes some b-e-a-utiful things. my favorite is #6. this one.

http://katelinesphotographyblog.blogspot.com/

eff the police

2010-01-04T04:57:00.002+01:00

i love urban outfitters. i love sleep. i think about things that i don't think i should and i sometimes don't think i can tell anyone because they're maybe inappropriate. oh well. it's my brain.

the joy of it

2009-12-28T06:46:00.004+01:00

provo is awful without some place to go and someone to talk to. how am i supposed to run away when i feel like this? i can't. i want my friend back. i hate the stupid cat that won't stop touching me.
i am sure it is the fear that's been eating me all day of being pregnant along with being tired plus this time of the month. i can't control anything. i'm sorry that i feel attacked, not understood. i'm not unreasonable, i'm sad and oversensitive. sorry about that. it's hard being a girl for a couple weeks.

these are pretty. i want pretend life again.

sesame everything

2009-12-22T01:28:00.003+01:00

i love surprise dates with todd. whenever we decide we're not poor at the moment or too hungry to care we try new restaurants (Saigon Cafe=NO service and fried everything except the broccoli beef) and talk forEVER. we talk a lot. i didn't really realize until today how much we connect and how much i need that connection, that level, that understanding, and those new ideas. that's what i need out of life as an individual and (probably especially) out of a marriage. good thing i picked him.

we went hunting for a Christmas gift for my mom. we ended up finding the perfect stocking for todd, something we have been lacking.

c'est parfait, non? it sings elvis songs. duh!

du rags

2009-12-17T20:37:00.003+01:00

todd likes boys. i like aretha franklin.
so headliners today: sexual harassment ensues at place of business. young girl glad to have a non-perverted, newly wedded husband. said she felt "dirty and gross because he wouldn't stop touching me."
also man claims teensie dent of his bumper on his insurance, screwing us over.

forever and ever you'll stay in my heart. answer my prayer! answer my prayer!

You like? Issa niiice!

2009-12-16T21:34:00.002+01:00

I put this new picture on the background, I had to read html and stuff, so I'm pretty awesome and proud of myself.

Other reason to be proud of myself: 94% religion final, 100% on research part of Ital Lit final + nailed essays, studying like a fiend, flashcards and practice exams and everything.

I'm cool. I didn't always know how to study for college classes. I can't really think of anything else to write about because I'm all study-man right now. Actually, I finished my Christmas shopping and Santa Claus is comin' to town. Every time I write "to town" I always think about "going to town" and that makes me think about sex. Ever since intercourse entered our life, everything means sex. I couldn't even write, "entered our life" without a joke about entering coming to my head. Anytime you have to put anything anywhere, it's sex. Anytime you "like it" about anything, anytime you use the word "do," it's sex. Everything is sex. See, now I have tons to write about. But, I must study. I still love you, universe.

boysboysboystheygivemegivemegiveme

2009-12-10T21:02:00.001+01:00

how do i make this be my background for my blog. siena is my life.

So Here I Come

2009-12-08T05:27:00.002+01:00

The fact is this: Hillary likes to blog, and I'm good at it. So, here I am blogging. I did have a blog for a while, then no one but Hillary read it, and I spent every day with her after coming home from Italy, so I gave it up. It was ok.

I have not studied a single moment for over a week. I read sometimes for my literature class, and I do the homework for bio and physics, but studying for studying's sake doesn't come naturally to me. I have some natural aversion to things being requested of me, like outside work. If I wasn't in school I would spend hours and hours finding out new things that I didn't know, but I guess I resent it when I HAVE to. Like reading, for example. I love reading. I'm in the middle of three other books, and I finished one last night, but reading for class makes me turn into a blob of lazy, useless whiner. It's even interesting, reading Dante, but I'm just crazy I guess.

Sex is AWESOME!!!

feeding addiction

2009-12-07T22:42:00.002+01:00

i don't know why. yes i do. because we're all sellouts deep down and pieces of us really just want to dress a certain way and to look like someone else for a second. who cares what people say about you and how "real" you are. you're FAMOUS! right?

thanks janna for enabling my very secret obsession.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq3ykRv2ZWA&feature=channel

thanks ashlee for being hot...and not like your sister, but still a faker. sometimes i wanna be you.

famous quotes

2009-12-03T01:07:00.002+01:00

today i saw a guy dressed up as a carrot. i think it's for that carrot mob thing teejay is doing. i said "todd, he's a carrot."
todd said "no he's not. he's a retard."

goosen

2009-12-02T22:52:00.002+01:00

me: why are you upset?
todd: i'm just going to get really bad grades in all my classes.
me: i thought you were doing really well, even without studying.
todd: hillary, to me bad grades are Bs.
me: ...
...
...sorry. you're wrong.

strange things.

2009-11-14T20:04:00.002+01:00

did you know you can go on the victoria's secret website and watch videos and vote for the new model? you should. i did.
i don't spite my mother-in-law, just syk, i really like her. i just think it's funny. and i don't want to get pregnant. though when i'm in the library all weekend writing papers i sure do want an excuse to quit school. oh learning. why must you include papers and tests? class is my favorite thing. art history is my favorite thing. art is my favorite thing.

just ask

2009-11-07T23:44:00.004+01:00

at the gym i watched "how do i look" the makeover show. really a lot of stupid commercials, however lucky makeoveree, Angela, looks JUST like Maja Ivarsson. So hot. Such a rock star. Such a babe. I thought about making out with her today. Not that weird. She's the only woman on earth I would ever say yes to making out with.
But seriously, this girl Angela, SO lucky. all she needs to do is dress like maja and then she be's the hottest girl in dee werld. duh. jealous.

don't get crazy

2009-11-03T01:49:00.003+01:00

we were invited to dinner at our neighbors' house last night. i really didn't want to go. all i am is awkward and don't love new people that much (mainly forced conversations and nothing to relate to).
turns out they're the greatest. he's filipino and she's cambodian. they're funny and friendly and so relaxed. we ate amazing asian food on the couch, they talked to us like we'd been friends for years and their two kids i'm probably going to steal. gorgeous eyes and skin and the little boy never stops singing and is completely incomprehensible. fabulous. we watched youtube videos all evening. one of which...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M

promo

2009-10-30T21:29:00.002+01:00

madison nibley is the sweetest girl who plans the most fun things. she, jonathan, todd and i went galavanting at a "client appreciation" pumpkin, corn field, festive activity thing that her parents were given tickets for. i'm pretty sure it was aimed at kids mostly under the age of ten, but we had a blast. free chili, burlap sack slides, a petting zoo with little piggies, a corn maze, la la la.
i got the bujeebers scared out of me when we went through this haunted forest...i thought we were just going on a little hayride. nope. quite a mistake. probably kharma for getting on without tickets.

i've been reading The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance- a memoir by Elna Baker. i don't particularly like reading, but i'm quite loving it. at the gym i read instead of watching vh1-quite a feat, book! in addition i laughed for more than a second out loud, realized, and covered my mouth. don't worry i don't care about people at the gym. it was loud and uncontrolable. it's also really fun because julia baker's told me some of these stories that elna talks about.

i'm starving. i seriously JUST ate a massive amount of cheerios AND a couple french toasts. starving? honestly.

take your medicine

2009-10-16T19:20:00.002+02:00

todd thinks we need blasting guns. he doesn't know anything about guns.
being married and living with your best friend is WAyyyyyyyy better than living with girls who never do dishes. hanging out naked and high fiving naked and making jokes is alll way better now.
i don't do homework or read for my classes anymore. cheating the system (or feeling like it) by getting good grades and never doing anything but taking notes makes me feel like i shouldn't be allowed to graduate or get a real job.
sausage and syrup is my favorite thing. i feel disgusting admitting to it, it is simply fact.
i have to make todd a sandwich.
riley always emails me funny things. like this.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/101505/saturday-night-live-celebrity-ghost-stories

the spanish inquisition

2009-10-08T05:55:00.002+02:00

boys don't bleed from their penis for a week every month so they are able to impregnate you. nope. they just complain about you being emotional and sad and cranky and mean.

snails on my envelopes

2009-07-13T04:17:00.003+02:00

hello world. once again, i hasn't told you some things. todd and riley and i went to sasquatch with me bffjill and meghan and molly and it was campalicious musicality. i love beach house.

also because it is summer charlotte and i hike alls the way around the jenny type of lake. this photo incurred due the our personalized memorial of the king of pop which consisted of dancing and singing loudly every song we could think of and a little more quietly when other hikers were nearby.
this little lady of mine is frowing me my bridal shower in t-26 days (or some crap). i'm getting MARRIED! it's sinking in guys! i'm getting raaaather excited. i'm almost peeing.
sometimes i just sit next to todd and just want to stare at him for always. he has the lovliest eyes and the most gentle loving touch with his glance and his hands and his kisses.
i want to cry of happiness and gratefulness when he looks at me and sighs. i can know how much he loves me when he sighs. let's party at my wedding everyone!

shmup dat

2009-06-08T03:30:00.003+02:00

these are the new goings on:

my grampy is dying. my nana is too. my other grandpa died a couple months ago. none will be coming to my wedding.

my beautiful engagement ring came and is on my finger.

my wedding dress will be here in the next day or so. i will sew some lace onto it.

erika (the dragon lady/wicked witch) is getting fired tonight.

i've lost 5 lbs.

pavimento

2009-04-30T23:54:00.002+02:00

so todd and i moved back to jackson hole. he lives inside a camping trailer. neat. the shower is for elves and the stuck-open windows are for Eskimos. everyday i get more excited to marry him. and it feels good to feel more secure in our relationship everyday. i don't know why i worried myself so much at first. i work at the jewelry store and by work i mean try to find things to do since the population and tourists have gone down to -2. except there are two dogs next door. and one lady who walks painfully slow in her wooden high heels. my raynauds is much too strong to stay in wyoming. i asked my brother to take todd's and my engagement photos. hopefully on a day i'll look good. maybe sunday. we shall see. when will it be over 50 and sunny here?

dear life, how did things get this way?

2009-03-21T01:23:00.005+01:00

when i was visiting santa maria della scala with roberto and my mom in Siena, i stood on the dirt floor in the very basement. there was a thin path made in the center of the walkway made a few cobble stone slabs wide and one of them had words carved in italian, to the effect of every step i've ever taken in my life has brought me here. people say that. i never think about it. every step, every decision i have ever made from infancy has brought me to the exact spot i stand in today. the things i do will have an effect on the places i'll go tomorrow. this summer.

other people's lives i feel are predictable. your own is never. except to other people. janna (yanka) knows my life better than i do. she knows how things will turn out long before i do. whenever i stress (it's like my mom, or dad, or church counsel) she just tells me to relax and could predict everything that's to happen.

well, the boy-now more manly man i love and i are getting married. most likely this summer.so i'm just saying you can see the natural progression of people's relationship and not be surprised when they get engaged. well...it all sort of surreal and unreal and always surprising when i think too much about it. relationships are hard and sometimes weird, but on sundays when i feel most enlightened i feel closest to him and Him. it feels really good. sharing. thoughts and things of importance to us.

i read an article written by a girl who moved to salt lake. she graduated byu proud of her single status having evaded the trap of engagement that happens so quickly and easily in provo. she talked about being married is not better or worse than dating or being single, it is simply just different. as a state. there are things very different and also similar, but as a state of being, being married is just different. so i thought how my being insecure when todd has girl friends (one's that i'm not good friends with and ones that i am) is not going to go away with marriage. though he may have less girl friends. i thought how my feeling insecure about anything isn't going to go away. i am still going to have my little freak outs, the little things that throw me off depending on my mood aren't going to just go away. i'm just going to have to work a lot harder (which i am presently) at responding more maturely and reasonably. trying to control my reactions to things. anyways, he's the one i love. he's my best friend. the only one i could even imagine wanting to spend the rest of ever with. he's an angel. it's just logical. and love.

i get lost

2009-03-04T07:04:00.002+01:00

"ciao hill
sto qui a classe e sto per uccidermi. probabilmente e la classe piu noiosa che abbia mai frequentato. non facciamo null'altro che esaminare e analizzare le frasi. va vene, prima o poi devo imparare questa roba, quindi non mi devo lamentare. mi lamento soltanto che l'insegnante non riesce a divertirsi o far divertire gli studenti. bah, adesso lei ci sta leggendo elenchi di congiunzioni! e davvero un po buffo, come un film quando le teste degli studenti si scogliono dalla noia.

non ti posso dire quanto mi era bella quella lettera che mi hair scritto. sei davvero unica. qualche volta io ti dovrei dare un'isola o una belle vestita o una casa in campagna, qualcose che ti meriti. che ne so io? io so (anche se non capisco nient'altro) che sono profondamente innamorato di te e che sto meglio quando sto con te.

ci vediamo fra quaranta minuti. mi chiedo quante volte battera il mio cuore prima che ci possiamo vedere.

love todd"

with a kebab

2008-11-22T21:24:00.002+01:00

i cried. said goodbye to the people i love. joni bought me a kebab, carried my heaviest bag and took me to the station. everyone told me to study and be good. fai brava. so that's what i'm going to do. i'm going to work hard so i can come back. oh how i want to come back.
i pick my momma up tomorrow mornin! ballet, accademia, gelato, duomo, holding hands. check check check.

i haven't watched friends in so long

2008-11-19T16:25:00.003+01:00

did you know that it is turkish tradition if someone smells you cooking they have to eat too. or at least taste the food. so i'm here on my computer and olruch (or something like that) is cooking and it smells amazing. i don't have money so i don't buy lunch, i take a pear from home and wait for dinner. then he hands me a plate of food. i say no thanks, really starving but not wanting to take his food from him, but he tells me that it is turkish tradition, that i have to eat it because i smelled it. well, can't mess with the turks. i ate it and it was delicious. he told me in his best english that it is the only way to keep his wife's love for him fresh, with his cooking. italian is easier to communicate i think. plus my english is getting to be poop. i'm fatigued. but going to hang out with the missionaries tonight and an italian boy from church. we're trying to get him to go on a mission by playing pool tonight. fun!

just fields

2008-11-18T16:04:00.004+01:00

siena is my home. it feels like home to me. when i travel on weekends it's always comforting to come back to my own city. walk down my streets. order the usual from my little foccacceria and cafes. to catch the bus at 9 and say 'buongiorno' to all the others who take the same bus every morning. to have a little old lady ask me how my life is going, work, if i'm having fun. the most important thing to her is that i've eaten and that i've had sufficente amounts of fun. to go back to work and have everyone say 'oh! illaria! illa! illary! come andata la fine settimana?' they always know where i went and what i'm doing because they care enough to ask. i love them. also it was amazing to see this latest james bond be filmed in my museum where i work, and they destroyed the duomo. i'm going to take my mom there to meet my friend emilio the marble worker.

p.s. see that bus, no. 9? i take that.

i am in love with federico

2008-11-18T15:51:00.002+01:00

i've made a kajillion friends. what is the deal?!?! i just decide to be social and friends with everyone when i know i'll be leaving in a short amount of time? why can't i make this many friends in provo? let's not talk about that. i got to eat with roberto and rita yesterday again. roberto and i work all morning, he drives me to his house on his moped, we eat lunch together with his wife and dog, then we go out to the back garden and cut olives until it gets dark and cold. then we go inside for tea and hot milk with honey and biscuits. what a lovely life i lead. then last night we went out to some church/workshop to pick up an artist. his name is 'aquafredda' if you can believe it. and his works of art for the new exhibit we're putting together. he's good. he teaches art too to middle school students. his toscana accent is so strong he slurs so much almost everything gets muffled in his throat. it's so pretty though. i love that it is the dialect i'm surrounded by and learning. it's true real italian. an original. i always say. here's a good idea. let's petition to bring kara and i back here to stay in italy foreva and eva.

dear life

2008-11-15T14:02:00.002+01:00

thank you for italy. thank you for the tea room where they serve you with tea pots that match the cups and saucers. the big jars of honey and the comfy chairs near the fire place. the cozy, comfy atmosphere and the lovely italian servers. the busy buzz. the man who sells roses and the delicious italian desserts. thank you for being hidden so tourist can't find you. thank you for letting kara and i have fun together every night and for getting us free box seats in the fancy theatre. thank you for kebabs and the one vintage store with the cute boy from milan who listens to good american indie rock. big big sigh.

for all that is good and holy

2008-11-13T17:54:00.004+01:00

it's todd's one more month of mission anniversary. TODAY! CELEBRATE!

(kara's humming cutely)